


Best I Ever Had

by apipsc



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Minor Character Death, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-08-13
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/874996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apipsc/pseuds/apipsc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian leaves for New York in season one, leaving Justin behind. This is based on the homonymous song by Vertical Horizon.<br/>The rate and the warning is just to be safe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. So you sailed away

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing, and make no money out of anything.

_'So you sailed away_   
_Into a grey sky morning_   
_Now I'm here to stay_   
_Love can be so boring'_

* * *

 

Brian took the bags to the door. Gave one last long look at the loft and sighed.  
'Justin, you can't stay here'  
'You can't force me to leave'  
'You're acting like a spoiled kid'  
'At the moment, I don't care'  
'I have to go. Will you say goodbye to me? '  
'No'  
'Are those your last words?'  
Justin clenched his lip.  
'Go ahead. Leave me here. See if I care.', he shouted at him as he rose from the couch, went to the room and fell into bed.  
'Fine.'  
'FINE!'  
Brian opened the door to the loft and waited. Justin tried not to cry and muttered to himself 'I love you'.  
Brian almost didn't hear him. Turned his back and went to the land of opportunities, with new projects and new men, something that he could be on par with. Yes, New York would be more exciting, even without Sunshine, even without the boring idea of love that he had gotten used to, not that he would ever admit. Maybe New York was the city that was ready for a new Brian Kinney.


	2. Nothing is quite the same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in Brian's Point of View, so in New York.

_'Nothing is quite same_  
 _I just say your name now_  
 _But it's not so bad_  
 _You're only the best I ever had'_

* * *

  
**Two months later**  
  
"Justin," Brian muttered in his sleep. Recently dreams with Justin had become more common despite Brian have not maintained contact with the teen. Or maybe it was because he hadn't maintain contact. Of course he continued to call home every Sunday, to Deb's weekly dinner. Nobody mentioned Justin, did not even intended to pass him the phone and Brian never asked why. I mean, it was not as if things hadn't changed, but he thought they were protecting himself. After all, the boy was not supposed to be more than a trick, but Brian continued to care for him, still wondering about Justin's dilemmas , ever so well grounded and none whatsoever futile, it was Brian's guilty pleasure, hearing him ramble until he got to the solution.  
Brian got up and went to the kitchen.  
He picked up the phone and dialed a number well known. On the third ring he heard some grumbling from the other side of the line.  
'Good morning to you too, Mikey'  
'What do you want, Brian?'  
'Can't I call to my best friend without ulterior motives?'  
'You can, but you never did before. Especially, never at 6 am '  
'You sure? I mean, you are my best friend. I must certainly have called you before at this hour, at least once.'  
'Yes, I am sure. Why are we even discussing this? Are you drunk?'  
His gaze fell on top of a post-it stuck to the fridge door. _'Join cooking classes'_. Well at least he wasn't hangover. 'Maybe'  
'What do you want, Brian?', Michael asked, in an annoyed tone.  
'All right, I was just wondering if you heard anything from Justin'  
'Justin? You called me to know about Justin?'  
Maybe he hadn't came home only drunk. Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. This idea seemed to be getting worse and his headache had chosen this exactly moment to appear.  
'Yes', he said not wanting to develop.  
'I ran into his mother a few weeks after you left. Jennifer was an ambulant chaos. I realized through her incoherence that Justin was attacked in his prom and taken to hospital. I don't think he has gotten away.'  
'Justin is dead?'  
'That's what I said. Why do you care? You left him here as it was last season's Gucci.'  
Brian did not want to go into detail of how much he still cared about Justin, so he hung up on his so-called best friend. Best friends didn't give bad news like this. Best friends didn't mock the feelings of each other. Justin was not dead, and that was for sure.  
 _Oh fuck, what if he was?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been rewritten to be more in character .


	3. Leaves Me Down and Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from Justin's Point of View, so it's two months after Brian left, but a day earlier than last chapter and in Pittsburgh.

_'So you stole my world_  
 _Now I'm just a phony_  
 _Remembering the girl_  
 _Leaves me down and lonely_  
 _Send it in a letter_  
 _Make yourself feel better'_

* * *

  
**A day earlier - Pittsburgh**  
  
Justin has just put away the last book on the shelf before ending his shift, went to the cash register and prepared to leave.  
As something involuntary, his legs guided him home. Not to his mother's house, not for the apartment that was supposed to share with Daphne, but for the loft.  
Two months passed and Justin continued to refuse to leave. Although Brian had stolen the world he knew and loved, when communications ceased and he disappeared, Justin continued to live as if Brian would come back to him. Not that anyone could call what Justin did, living. Surviving would be a more appropriate term. Eating, breathing and sleeping by instinct, go to school and work to keep busy. Brian was as guilty as Daphne.  
After the most intense dance that St. James ever saw, Chris Hobbs was thinking that a sissy shouldn't have the right to go to the prom, even less on a straight date. So he took Justin by the elbow and dragged him to the parking lot. Nobody followed them, not even the chaperones. But Daphne knew something was wrong, and seeing that no one was moving, decided to get her hands dirty and headed for the parking lot.  
What should have started with bumps and insults, quickly came to punches and kicks. Daphne did the only thing she could: hit Chris with her purse while screaming.  
Didn't hurt him but surprised him, and that was more than enough for Justin to find an open. Giving him a punch well calculated, Justin threw Chris on the ground.  
The two best friends moved away as quickly as they could to warn someone, not realizing that Hobbs had entered his car.  
Justin could not see what happened next. Still half dazed didn't hear the car, unlike Daphne, who pushed him. The last thing he saw was Daphne being rammed.  
Justin doesn't remember having found the phone, not even to have called 911, but he remembers to have Daphne in his arms fading in blood as he whispered to her not to leave him behind too.  
She had not heard, or if she heard, she didn't care. So at the end of a week of agony in the hospital's corridors, Daphne Chanders was declared death . Mr and Mrs Chanders didn't blamed Justin, after all the boy had called as soon as he could to the ambulance and hadn't abandoned their daughter. And it was not as if Justin was gay by choice or walked sticking his lifestyle right under the nose of others. And certainly it wasn't him who was driving that ill-fated car.  
Justin sank even more into the pit that he was already when Brian abandoned him. Without Brian nor Daphne, Justin knew what was the solution. Unfortunately or fortunately, he was too chicken to resort to suicide, so apathy was his defense mechanism.  
The only emotion he showed was when he wrote to Brian. Not that Brian was ever going to read the letters if it depended on him, but it was something routine. Once a week, Justin sat at the desk and wrote to Brian about what had happened to him. And how grateful he was that Brian hadn't turn off any utilities, promising to pay him. Actually, Justin had already started to take off some money of his paycheck and put on the first drawer, together with the letters, on Brian's side.


	4. You're just the best I ever had

_"It's not so bad_   
_You're only the best I ever had_   
_You don't need me back_   
_You're just the best I ever had"_

* * *

 

Brian found himself in the middle of an anxiety attack in the middle of the airport.

As soon as he hung up the phone on Mickey, Brian tried to get a place on the next plane for Pittsburgh. He could have sent his assistant handle it, but he didn't want anyone to know. It was at these times that he longed for Cynthia, she had always been discreet.

Brian, also known as Mr. I-Don't-Do-Regrets, had many regrets and every one of them involved Justin. Starting with not having kept in touch, but at the time he believed he was doing what was best. Justin was supposed to be fine, or at least alive. He did not need Brian for that, right? Wrong.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Brian rejected the idea of calling Jennifer, he was sure she was not his biggest fan at the moment, so Daphne was the obvious choice. He would deal with it when he arrived to the loft.

 

**Five hours later**

After two full queen outs that would make Godiva proud and three screams to both the airport security and the taxi driver, Brian finally arrived to the loft.

Brian didn't know what to expect after being away from the loft for so long, but it certainly was not what he saw. The loft didn't look abandoned, actually seemed more alive than when Brian lived there alone. Almost looked like when Justin moved ...  No, Brian could not afford to get lost in recollections.

Brian dialed Daphne as he wandered over the loft looking for something, not knowing for sure what. The first attempt ended up in voicemail, just like the second.

'Daphne, it's me, Brian. Do you know where Justin is? Call me as soon as you can. And please do not say anything to anyone. '

Brian went to bed while debating whether he should wait for Daphne or forget his reservations towards Jennifer and call her.

The bed was made, but not with the sheets he had left. These smelled like Justin. And it was involved in Justin’s smell, a smell that he was supposed to have already forgotten, that Brian fell asleep. And had the best sleep in the last couple of months.

When he woke up with his morning wood on evening, as was routine, he reached for the top drawer in search of Kleenex. The texture of the paper that came to hand wasn’t nearly as smooth as the tissues. The curiosity was greater than his dick’s desperate cry for relief, and leaning over the drawer, he saw the rolls of notes and sealed envelopes addressed to him.

If Brian was feeling desperate about the news of Justin's death , at the end of the reading of the first letter, Brian lost all will to live. Yes, Justin breathed, but the blonde did only that.

Knowing that he had to help Justin, Brian went to his laptop and started google all about the accident in St. James.

The moon was already high when he heard the characteristic click of the door. Entering, crestfallen, there he was his sunshine. He looked awful, but still, it was _his_ Sunshine.

Justin didn’t give Brian a thought as he headed for the kitchen, so Brian cleared his throat.

'Justin.'

As if struck by a whip, Justin lifted his head and looked into his eyes, and for a moment Brian saw the Justin that he had left in Pittsburgh.


	5. Run Away and Hide

_'And it may take some time_  
 _To patch me up inside_  
 _But I can't take it so_  
 _I ran away and hide'_

* * *

It was a long day. Or maybe not, but since Brian left, the days seemed to be always larger and devoid of anything exciting.

Daphne always told him that with time things would get better, but she also said that at the age of 90, they would continue to gossip about their lives and the lives of others, sitting in rocking chairs on a porch anywhere, and look how things ended. Daphne didn’t know everything and was not always right. Engaged on making a list of all the times that Daphne had been wrong, Justin entered the loft, distracted.

'Number 18 - promise that things would stay the same after the first time,' Justin enumerated mentally as he made a sandwich of cold meats and mayonnaise.

'Justin' Justin recognized the voice immediately. It was usual for the past two months to see Brian anywhere, but the loft was the most common. There wasn’t a day that Justin would go without hallucinating with Brian. Although it was assumed that at this stage some of the details would begin to fade, not to be clearer.

Brian remained perfect as the day that Justin saw him at the door of Babylon, as the day he went to New York, as the day he went to prom ... Wait, no. Hallucination. And what a hallucination, as Justin came to loft, after all the nightmare, and hit his head on the pillow, Justin dreamed.

Justin dreamed of the most ridiculously romantic dance. When he woke up, he cried, cried because it was a dream, cried because it was just a dream, cried for a lost love and a broken heart, cried over losing his best friend, soul sister and confidant. After that, nothing. Apathy was undoubtedly the best non-feeling ever.

Brian walked to Justin, pulling him from his memories.

'What are you doing here?'

'It’s my loft'

'Yes, but you're in New York.'

'I can’t come for a visit?'

Justin shrugged. Brian was frightened by the lack of emotions. Needing to feel the warmth of Justin, he took his hand to his face, but Justin repelled it.

'I read the letters'

'You had no right.'

"Justin ..." Brian began.

'No,' interrupted Justin, ‘You had forsaken me. And at the worst time of my life, you were not here, I couldn’t even call you. And now you think you can come back and save what remains of poor little Justin? I think not. Go back to your world, tomorrow I leave the loft. '

Well, the boy was showing some emotion. It was good thing, right?

'No. Please hear me out. I made a mistake, ok? And when yesterday I called Mikey and he told me you were dead, I didn't think, I just had to come back. I want you to come back with me to New York. You obviously aren't dealing with what happened.'

‘You don’t have a say on what I do.’

'Apparently neither do you. Come on, Justin, do not be stubborn. We can start life from scratch. "

Justin snorted.

‘What? Run out of tricks in New York?’

‘Do not be like that. What have you got to lose, huh? No college, no friends and apparently, no family.'

'Fucking bastard! What do you know about my life?'

'Only what you wrote to me’, Brian knew it was a low blow, and as he said he was already repenting. The words echoed in his head, and each time it sounded worse.

Justin pulled away and winced like a wounded animal. He gave the door a sidelong glance and thought about running away.

‘Justin… Please don’t run away.’

Justin took a deep breath. Brian came up and involved him. Justin leaned his head against Brian's chest and began to sob.

'What do I do? I'm too young for this shit. If I go to New York I’ll be running away, but if I stay here, I‘ll keep hiding. '

Brian's heart and jaw clenched.

'One step at a time, Sunshine. First you stop hiding, and then we stop running, deal? '

Justin’s grip became tighter, but he said nothing.

Brian took Justin to bed. Stripped him and snuggled him. Justin felt Brian slipping under the covers.

'I'm not having sex with you.'

 

** Next Day **

Brian opened his eyes as he felt the cold air.

'Where do you think you're going?'

'Uh. Taking a shower? '

'Can I join you?'

Justin stared at him. Not because of the question itself, but because Brian asked.

'I’d rather not. But it’s your shower, your water and it's your loft. Do what you want. '

'Justin..'

Justin entered the bathroom without giving him time to say anything more. If Justin was going to live with him, Brian was going to have to get used to these moods.

When he didn’t hear the water anymore, Brian leaned against the doorjamb.

‘Are you go to work, today?'

'I have to.'

Brian took a deep breath. Justin remained an independent little shit.

‘Will you give them your notice?’

Justin shrugged.

‘I guess’

'How long until we can leave?'

‘I don’t know’

‘Will you tell me?’

‘Sure.’

Brian realized he wasn’t going to get a conversation with the boy. He went to the kitchen to prepare their breakfast.

'Justin! There's nothing here to eat! '

'No need to yell. I know, I forgot to go grocery shopping’

'Oh for fuck's sake. Come on, let me take a shower and take you somewhere for breakfast.'

Thirty minutes late, Brian was almost dragging an unwillingly Justin to Starbucks.

‘I have no need for a breakfast, or you spending your money on me.’

‘I know. Amuse me.’

After breakfast, Brian dropped Justin at work and went home, in hope to do some work. He found himself looking on the internet for galleries, universities and internship programs. Anything related with art that could interest Justin. After compiling a satisfactory folder, Brian filled the fridge, he also filled two suitcases with new clothes and all that he could remember and thought Justin would need. So when Justin would say that they could go, they were ready to leave.

When Justin opened the door to the loft, Brian finished typing a rude email to the head of the art department, including all the large and small details that were supposed to be on the boards.

'Hi honey, you're home.'

Justin acknowledged him with a blank stare.

'So, how long you have to stay?'

'Normally, I would have to stay for the two weeks, but as I haven't taken any time off, we can go by the end of this week.'

Brian nodded.

'What will you want for dinner?'

‘A sandwich will do just fine.’ Justin said, showing the ingredients to Brian.

Brian was not very happy, but for now, he would settle with this.

After dinner, Justin went to the living room, put a movie on and leaned back on the couch. Brian joined him. Normally, fifteen minutes after the start of the film, they would be making out like two teenagers, but this time only the tips of the toes brushed on Brian.

Brian got up and went to get a beer. So far, Justin had refused any advances on his part. This was going to be a long night.

At the end of the film, Justin got up with the intention of going to bed. Brian had intentions of his own and grabbed Justin by the arm, turning him until he was facing him. Looking in his lifeless blue eyes, Brian leaned over to kiss him. Justin was faster and turned his face.

‘What is going on?’, Brian asked, frustrated.

‘Nothing’

‘Not nothing. You don’t let me kiss you.’

‘So what? You’re not my partner, we’re not lovers, or boyfriends. I’m not even the guy you fuck more than once. I was that guy, now I’m not even sure we’re friends. So why in hell, would I let you kiss me? ’


End file.
